Confessions Of The Lost Soul

That day mother had been very busy. Brother was sick and crying non-stop. After singing him to sleep, mother asked me if I had done my homework. I hadn't. She called M and asked him to help me with the homework. He agreed. We sat in hall and he helped me do the math. Brother woke up then and started crying. Mother rushed to his side. She slept next to him to feed him. I finished my homework and ran to tell her that I wanted to go out to play. But she was asleep next to brother. I told M that I was going to play and asked him to tell my mother. He agreed. He picked me up to take me to my room so that I could keep my books in the bag. He was passing by mother's room and then he just stood there looking at her through the window. As brother continued to suckle at one breast, mother's other breast lay exposed. M stood staring at her and then put me down. He put his hand into his pants and rubbed himself still staring at her. After some time he went to his room. I followed hi

A few days later, when mother had to to take brother to the hospital for injections,aunt accompanied her, and they left me with M. After they had left, M took me to his room and closed the door. 'Did your swelling go?' I asked him. 'I think it did. But let's check,' He zipped open his pants to show me his underwear. Then he removed his underwear for the first time. I saw his organ hanging out. 'What's that?' 'That's my swelling. Touch it.' He took my hands and wrapped them around it. It began to grow and swell again. His eyes were closed. I let go instantly. 'Don't be scared,' he said, 'this is the way to cure it. You hold it, rub it up and down and then after some time the swelling disappears.' I didn't like it at all. 'No, I don't want to do it. Ask P to do it for you,' I protested. He got angry. 'Okay, so let me tell mother what you did. First you saw my underwear and then you caused t

Mother was now at home all the time. I was happy to come home from school rather than go to my aunt's house. But I did continue to go there to play with P after my homework. After my baby brother was born, mother got busy with him. He used to cry all the time, poop all the time and be hungry all the time. I hated him, because it left mother with no time for me. One evening aunt and P had gone to the market and mother was busy with the baby. M called out for me. I ran upstairs to his room happy to find someone to play with. He was again in his underwear and he closed the door after I came in. He acted as if he was in pain. I was concerned. 'What happened?' I asked. 'Something bit me inside my underwear,' he said. 'Here, touch it, see how it is swollen,' he said running my hand over his underwear. It indeed looked swollen. The more he ran my hand over it, the more it got swollen. 'Oh, what did you do?' he said, seeming to be in even more pain.

A few days later, aunt sent me to give M some potato chips. When I entered the room, M was in his underwear. I saw him, giggled and turned away. He called me in and closed the door. Then we both laughed. 'Promise you won't tell anyone you saw my underwear,' he said. 'Yea, ok, I promise,' I giggled. 'I don't believe you.' 'I won't tell.' 'Let me see your underwear, so that we both can promise to not tell anyone. If you break your promise, I'll break mine.' I thought for a minute. It seemed okay. I agreed. He sat me on his lap, and lifted my frock. He saw my pink underwear and ran his hand over it. 'So soft,' he said. 'Touch mine...they are so rough.' He ran my little hands over his underwear. 'Yea, they are rough,' I said. Then I heard mother call. I jumped from his lap and ran to the door. 'Don't forget your promise,' he shouted. 'I won't,' I said.

We were next door neighbors. We were also second cousins. In a new, strange city, the elders found comfort in the proximity of the stay. M was 9 years older to me and I was 9 years old. He also had an 11-year-old sister P, who had become my closest friend. Every day after school, I'd stay in my aunt's house till mother returned from work. I'd play with my cousin P while her brother studied in the room upstairs. Mother was due to have my baby brother soon, so she had promised me she'd be staying at home after a month. P would go for tuitions at 5pm, and aunt would give me some biscuits to eat. Some days, she would ask me to go upstairs and give M a plate of biscuits or snack. And I would happily run upstairs and deliver the food. M was quite a friendly cousin who loved to play with me. We'd play ludo or snake and ladders, some days we'd play hide and seek. That day, aunt sent me to give M a bowl of grapes. M took the bowl of grapes from me and offered me one

I wasn't always like this. The today that floats around me like an incessant bubble is an accumulation of the dirt of yesterday that I have been trying to wash off with the water of thoughts and the soap of memories. But the more I think about it, the more it grows bigger, enveloping me in a bubble that doesn't seem to burst any day soon. Well, I should probably make it clear that it was not my fault, not my dirt, in the first place.